During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?”

“Well,” said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

[forwarded by Pastor Marty Walker via Mikey's Funnies]

The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal-Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.

[forwarded by Amelia Lanning and sent to me by Mikeys Funnies]

If God Texted The 10 Commandments

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg’s

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :-X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

(Received from MIKEY’S FUNNIES)

Supporting a Family

Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. “Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.

“Yes, Sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”

(Received from Good Clean Fun)

The Valentine’s Day Ten Commandments

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy–or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undo embarrassment when I am with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am at my bath, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

Christmas Quotes

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? – MIKEY’S FUNNIES

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. – Shirley Temple

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
Tom Sims

“Throughout the Christmas season, we recall that God’s love is found in humble places, and God’s peace is offered to all of us. It is the story of a quiet birth in a little town, on the margins of an indifferent empire. Christmas has carried the message that God is with us–and, because He’s with us, we can always live in hope.” – George W. Bush

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” – Jesus

Did you know that we celebrate Christmas in order to commemorate the time when Jesus came down to earth? According to the Bible, Jesus Christ came to bring humanity the gift of eternal life. He gave this gift to us freely and we give gifts to each other to remember and celebrate that event. Read more about whether the Christmas story is true and whether it still matters today.

Merry Christmas Everyone,
from James’ Occasional Jokes Blog

Chicken Isn’t Meat

Well, it’s official. Chicken is no longer considered to be meat. Personally, I had suspected this for a while, and some of my co-workers have had similar feelings, but I never knew that it was official until now.

Chicken is NOT MEAT!!!

This separation between meat and chicken was found recently on the website of a very reputable organization who will remain nameless in order to protect their identity from the ensuing rush of mixed emotion on the topic. But, as can be seen by all, chicken is neither a meat nor a vegetable.

Three Flat Tires and a Pair of Headlights

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights”

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!”

“No,” the cook says, “3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up.”

“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says “What are the beans for?”

The waitress replies “I thought that, while you’re waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up.”

Ugly Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and innocently replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Source: Mikey’s Funnies


About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

“They think we have an accent,” she replied.

“But they have an accent, right?”, Brent asked. “They talk funny?”

“Everybody talks in different ways” she tried to explain. “To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out.”

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, “Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?”

Source: Good Clean Fun