A short humourous break.
1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg’s
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.
M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.
ttyl, JHWH.
ps. wwjd?
(Received from MIKEY’S FUNNIES)
Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. “Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.
“Yes, Sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”
“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”
(Received from Good Clean Fun)
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy–or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undo embarrassment when I am with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am at my bath, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? - MIKEY’S FUNNIES
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”
Anonymous
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
Tom Sims
“Throughout the Christmas season, we recall that God’s love is found in humble places, and God’s peace is offered to all of us. It is the story of a quiet birth in a little town, on the margins of an indifferent empire. Christmas has carried the message that God is with us–and, because He’s with us, we can always live in hope.” - George W. Bush
“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” - Jesus
Did you know that we celebrate Christmas in order to commemorate the time when Jesus came down to earth? According to the Bible, Jesus Christ came to bring humanity the gift of eternal life. He gave this gift to us freely and we give gifts to each other to remember and celebrate that event. Read more about whether the Christmas story is true and whether it still matters today.
Merry Christmas Everyone,
from James’ Occasional Jokes Blog
Well, it’s official. Chicken is no longer considered to be meat. Personally, I had suspected this for a while, and some of my co-workers have had similar feelings, but I never knew that it was official until now.
This separation between meat and chicken was found recently on the website of a very reputable organization who will remain nameless in order to protect their identity from the ensuing rush of mixed emotion on the topic. But, as can be seen by all, chicken is neither a meat nor a vegetable.
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights”
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!”
“No,” the cook says, “3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up.”
“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says “What are the beans for?”
The waitress replies “I thought that, while you’re waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up.”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and innocently replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Source: Mikey’s Funnies
About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
“They think we have an accent,” she replied.
“But they have an accent, right?”, Brent asked. “They talk funny?”
“Everybody talks in different ways” she tried to explain. “To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out.”
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, “Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?”
Source: Good Clean Fun
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: “I need to inspect your farm.”
The old farmer said, “You better not go in that field.”
The Agriculture representative said in a “wise” tone, “I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.
“Help,” the rep shouted to the farmer, “What should I do?” he screamed helplessly.
The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: “Show him your card.”
Source: Mikey’s Funnies
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” she said, “is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”
The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to be a secret?”
Source: Good Clean Fun