Archive for August, 2006

Steamship Helmsman

Published by theJokeMaster on August 31, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, “Come starboard.”

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, “Could you bring the ship with you?

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Fun with Magnets

Published by theJokeMaster on August 30, 2006 in Funny Stories. 0 Comments

As a computer technician, I had just finished a big push, and finally had a little slack time. So I decided to catch up on a small but long-overdue task: copying archived files from some old floppy disks to CD’s.

There were several dozen 5-1/4-inch disks piled up on my desk. I was busily working my way through these when the new, young IT student came up to me and put some object right down in the middle of my desk.

“Guess what this is?” the student asked.

I like interesting gadgets so I picked it up to look at it. It’s a heavy 4-inch cube, apparently made of solid metal, with a large rod sticking out one side.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Tell me.”

“It’s a neodymium magnet. The world’s most powerful magnet,” student said. “It uses rare metals. Look, you can actually switch it on and off just by moving the rod, which combines the metals.”

Before I could say anything, the student moved the switch. The magnet stuck tight to the metal surface of the desk, which the student demonstrated by trying to pull it off the desk with both hands.

He finally got it loose. But by then I’m staring in horror. The monitor on my desk has turned all the colors of the rainbow due to him waving this big magnet about. I shouted at him to take it away from me!

But it was too late. Most of the old floppies were wiped or badly corrupted.

The student had never seen 5-1/4-inch floppies before, so he didn’t realize what they were. It took me a month to recover as much as possible with a disk editor.

I did have a laugh, though. The magnet had also wiped all of the magnetic strips on the student’s credit cards.

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Parent-Teacher Conference

Published by theJokeMaster on August 29, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting at the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Hallinan, our appointment was tomorrow.”

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Hot Flashes

Published by theJokeMaster on August 28, 2006 in One Liner's. 0 Comments

Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

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Top Tips for Life

Published by theJokeMaster on August 27, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

Don’t waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.

Homeowners: Don’t hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.

White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.

Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.

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Allergies

Published by theJokeMaster on August 27, 2006 in Animal and Pet Jokes and Funny Kid Quotes. 1 Comment

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”

The person asked, “Are you allergic to cats?”

The girl said, “I don’t know. I don’t eat cats.”

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How Kids Think

Published by theJokeMaster on August 26, 2006 in Funny Kid Quotes. 2 Comments

My youngest son asked me how old I was.

I answered, “39 and holding.”

He thought for a moment and then asked, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

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Welcome to Our Jokes Site

Published by theJokeMaster on August 26, 2006 in Information. 0 Comments

Hey, welcome here. This site is all about jokes and you’re welcome to join in the fun. We will be putting out new jokes regularly, so feel free to subscribe by email, or keep yourself updated by our RSS feed.

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Coming Downstairs

Published by theJokeMaster on August 9, 2006 in Funny Kid Quotes. 0 Comments

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance. “Teddy,” he called, “how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being.”

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

“That’s better,” said his father, “now in future will you always come down stairs like that.”

“OK,” said Teddy. “I slid down the railing.”

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