Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,they give him $50. The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Archive for September, 2006
Scribbled Eggs: Kids' Quotes To Crack You UpYou may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d be male , didn’t you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Pass these on to both male and female friends of yours so that they can have a chuckle too.
Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar . . .: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes
Awesome Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids
Batman: The Killing Joke
Good Clean Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids
Jokes Every Man Should KnowAn unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.”
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!” After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Silly Stories: To Tickle Your Funny Bone
Snapshots of Heaven: 40 funny, profound, real-life stories about Children
The Kingfisher Treasury of Funny Stories (The Kingfisher Treasury of Stories)
It's Kind of a Funny Story
Fantastically Funny Stories (Sidesplitters)1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You willa losea da weight!
AND…..
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5 . The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Over the Top Clean Jokes for Kids
Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever
Pretty Good Joke Book 4th edition
Knock Knock Who's There: My First Book Of Knock Knock JokesSent to us by Loren… Thanks!
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary’s office. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m quite sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took
the bill.
“$325!”, she cried. “$325 just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry.” “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $45, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $325.”
Related Reading:
Whose Panties are These? More Misadventures from Funny Women on the RoadSent to us by Mandy… Thanks!
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey and re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(S) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep………………SHE’S BLONDE!
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal lawyer in town?”
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yes, but we haven’t been able to prove it yet!”
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That’s great, Lou. What did you get?
Costello: Pentium D Processor 820 with Dual Core Technology, 2.8GHz, 1GB Dual Channel DDR2 SDRAM at 533MHz.
Abbott: That’s terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That’s exactly why I’m here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you’re a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don’t know . . .
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: Okay Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That’s true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then . . .
Costello: No, I told you I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button . . .
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it OFF. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbott: Well, Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don’t have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press . . .
Costello: Don’t say Start!
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to stop.
Abbott: But that’s what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don’t be ridiculous.
Costello: I’m being ridiculous? Well, I think it’s about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
500 Hilarious Jokes for Kids (Signet)A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. “I’m shocked!” she complained. “This is three times what you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist. “But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients.”
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, “In 1492, none.”