A short humourous break.
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
We are now offering the ability to put our jokes directly on your website. All you have to do is add a little bit of PHP code to a page on your website, and that page will begin showing a new joke every day when we do. Check out our “Syndication” page for more information.
The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 150,000 acres. I have 1,000 head
of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger.”
The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 250,000 acres. I have 5,000 head
of cattle and they call my place Big John’s Ranchero.”
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, “My name is Irving and I own
40 acres.”
Roger looks down at him and says, “40 Acres? What do you raise?”
“Nothing” Irving says.
“Well then, what do you call it?” asked John.
The little old Jewish man says, “Downtown Dallas.”
Submitted by Jessie Foster-Goodrich – Thank You!
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
7. Dont use any punctuation marks
8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
10. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
15. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
16. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!!!!!”
17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
18. Tell your! children over dinner. “due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity…….
19. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. “Worker ants,” she told them, “can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?”
One child was ready with the answer: “They don’t have a union.”
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. “Make three wishes,” she told her mother, “and I’ll grant them.”
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, “I wish to have a trim figure again.”
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
“I’ll need more power for this!” she exclaimed.
by Dave Tippett
10. Watch Aslan the Lion take down a gazelle, live on the platform
9. More “open mic” opportunities during worship service
8. One of those fake shark fins in baptismal
7. Floating sermon points dance in front of your eyes via cool 3-D PowerPoint slides
6. Spiritual tech support guys will tell you not to just “re-boot your soul” every time you call
5. Sermon series: “Thomas Kincaid; the soft lighting Disciple”
4. Wi-Fi access for wireless hearing aides
3. Tazer the Sleeping Sound Booth Guy Day
2. Will start accepting coupons from non-tithing churches
1. Ability to TiVo the sermon
Copyright 2005 Dave Tippett (djtippHA@yahoo.com). Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
Philadelphia’s Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers’ favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. “There’s the bee right there,” he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, “I went by them so fast I probably missed them.”
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. “My engine misses, and I’m trying to clean out the carburetor,” he told the officer. For good measure, he added, “If I don’t go this fast, my car won’t go at all.”
“I’m due in traffic court,” one speeder said. “If I’m late they’re going to enforce the bench warrant.”
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, “Officer, where have you been? It’s 65 now.”
One speeder said simply, “I’m trying to beat my wife home. Don’t ask.”
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, “Is there a senior citizen’s discount?”
“Sally, can you spell ‘water’ for me?” The teacher asked.
“H I J K L M N 0,” answered Sally promptly.
Her teacher look puzzled. “That doesn’t spell “water.”
“Sure it does,” said Sally. “My daddy’s a scientist and he says water is H to O.”