A short humourous break.
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. “Did you miss me?” I asked.
“Miss you?” he echoed. “Who are you?”
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note: “Take only one, God is watching.”
Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note: “Take all you want, God’s watching the apples.”
Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town. I wanted to learn everything “country” so that I could fit in. As I was searching for Widow Jones’ farm, I got lost on the back roads. I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.
He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me how to get to the Jones’ farm. “By the way, ” I asked, “Do you know what time it is?” He leaned in to the udder of the cow and said, “12:30.”
I started to leave but I just HAD to know. I told him, “Hey, I’ve just moved from the city and I really want to know the ways of the country. How could you tell what time it was?”
“Sit right here on this stool, son.” I did.
“Now, grab hold of that udder.” I did. (Before this, my closest experience to this was grabbing a milk carton).
“Now lean into the cow and lift up on the udder.” I did.
“Lean over and look right over there on that wall. See that’s a clock. When the little hand is on the 12…”
This is how it goes…
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I’m going to do the laundry…BUT FIRST I’m going to read the newspaper.
After that, I notice the mail on the table.
OK, I’ll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack….BUT FIRST I’ll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes.
Now where is the checkbook? Oops…there’s the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for that checkbook…BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What’s it doing here?
I’ll just put it away….BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and…Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat! Oh yeah, cat needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants….BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control…And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because…I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY.
I realize this condition is serious…I’ve got to get help.
BUT FIRST…I think I’ll check my e-mail…
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, “Why didn’t you bring the piano, too?”
“Are you trying to be funny?” she replied.
“No, I really wish you had” he sighed. “I left the tickets on it.”
My son was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn’t return home again until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. He was as surprised as I. “Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.
“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”
By Dave Tippett
10. Narnia City Council votes to remove all images of Aslan, replace them with generic alley cat that represents all felines of world
9. Mega Aslan den draws animal followers from smaller dens with better praise and worship band
8. Metaphors go crazy as Aslan assigns kingdom duties to second in command, a talking rock
7. Sequel set up when, after the victory, Charismatic Aslans clash with Southern Narnia Council Aslans.
6. The movie’s original title: “Jesus, Satan, and a Closet”
5. The White Witch wins battle after her ACLU lawyers get injunction against ‘lion roaring’ in public places
4. Long-haired “Lion King” cast ostracized from Narnia for singing and dancing…and the long hair thing
3. Endless winter in Narnia originally blamed on George Bush
2. Aslan bobbing head dolls wearing little “Pepsi” t-shirts seen in back window of Narnia’s mayor’s Ford Ranger
1. WWAD? bracelets being sold in town stores
Copyright 2005 Dave Tippett (djtippHA@yahoo.com). Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, “No, I also work … out of our home.”
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. “He was born at home,” I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, “Wow, you don’t get out much, do you?”
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three.”
“Four,” answers the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?”
“A jack,” says the little boy.
I’d been hired to paint a woman’s living room, but every time I put another coat of paint on the walls, my client changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn’t right. So back to the paint store I went.
As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, “It seems like you’re painting faster.”
I replied, “No, the room’s actually gotten smaller.”