My friend’s father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.
Archive for October, 2006
The program manager couldn’t grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project.
“At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do,” says a programmer on the team.
“I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals.”
PM’s response? “I was told we were already behind schedule and didn’t have time to meet with the customer.”
Hey all,
This is just a brief update to let you know what’s been going on with the site lately.
First, my apologies for the lack of jokes by email over the last couple days. I’ve been changing some stuff around, making the site look cooler and better, and somehow the email side of things got broken. It’s fixed now, and you should be back to your occasionally scheduled jokes.
Second, as mentioned above, I have been making the site look cooler and more fun. I think you’ll like the improvements. Feel free to visit the jokes website and tell me what you think in the comments of this post.
Third. As you may already know, I have added the ability for people to include the latest joke on their own web pages. I’ve now also added an even cooler feature that if you have a WordPress Blog, you can install a plugin that I’ve created and have the latest joke automatically appear on your blog. That way you can give your visitors an added feature of an occasional joke, without having to add new jokes yourself all the time.
Well, that’s about all for now. Of course, if you have suggestions or comments about this site, I’d love to hear them. Go ahead and post them in the comments area of this joke on the site. And, as always, if you hear of any great jokes, go ahead and send them to me. Just cut and paste them into the form on this page, and we’ll schedule them for delivery on the site.
http://jokes.jamesandcarolanne.com/participate/
Hoping you all have a great day and week to come,
James W.
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, “Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?” This didn’t sound anything like my name, so I asked, “Who is calling?”
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, “Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood.”
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
Typos and Grammar Slips:
“Suspected to graduate early next year.”
“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
“I am a rabid typist.”
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
“Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.”
“After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
“Accounting cleric.”
“As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.”
“Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”
More Resume Blunders:
“Fired because I fought for lower pay.”
“Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6′5″.”
“Please disregard the enclosed resume–it is terribly out of date.”
“Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.”
“Qualifications: No education or experience.”
“I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
“Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC.”
“Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.”
“Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”
A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”
Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”
~ Home is where you hang your @.
~ The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
~ A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
~ You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
~ Great groups from little icons grow.
~ Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
~ C:\ is the root of all directories.
~ Don’t put all your hypes in one homepage.
~ Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
~ The modem is the message.
~ Too many clicks spoil the site.
~ The geek shall inherit the earth.
~ A chat has nine lives.
~ Don’t byte off more than you can view.
~ Fax is stranger than fiction.
~ What boots up must come down.
~ Virtual reality is its own reward.
~ Modulation in all things.
~ A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
~ There’s no place like http://www.home.com.
~ Know what to expect before you connect.
~ Oh, what a tangled Web we weave when first we practice.
~ Speed thrills.
~ Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
NOTICE: We have a new look for the email version of The Occasional Joke. What do you think?
Now for your occasionally scheduled joke…
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.
Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or peoplelooked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.
After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away.
“Wait!” I called. “We have to go inside and find out where you live.”
“I live right there,” he said, pointing to a house across the street. “I just always wanted to ride in a school bus.”
— WARNING, DANGER! —
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from the trauma of his friend’s aunt who took her kids to a Burger King restaurant in a major city and they all got bit by snakes in the ball pit. Anyway, he decided to forget his troubles by having a few stiff drinks at Mulligans, and the next thing he awoke in a hotel bathtub full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he saw a note on the mirror saying that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN by Bill Gates, and he could only get them back by dialing 9-0-# and forwarding 5000 emails to a dying girl at Disney World.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! My uncle’s friend heard this story from his neighbor who got it from a guy named Craig Shergold who used to work for the American Cancer Society in a major city.
Well the poor guy immediately tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but upon reaching into the coin-return slot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “JOIN THE CREW”. He was so distraught at this point that he went into the nearest theater and bought a ticket. It was then that he felt a sharp pain in his left shoulder blade. The people behind him got up laughing and tossed a wadded-up paper ball at him as they ran out. When he uncrumpled the paper, it said “WIN A HOLIDAY” and was signed by Jessica Mydek.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE!!! I have a friend who works next door to the police department of a major city and he heard it from his elderly aunt.
The poor man, having no kidneys and infected with a dread disease, stumbled into a nearby Neiman Marcus cafe and ordered a plate of cookies. He asked for the recipe and was told that it would cost “two fifty.” When he received his bill, there was a charge for 250 dollars! Furious, he fired up his laptop and sent an email to his lawyer. It was then that he noticed his Palm Pilot was infected by the Budweiser screen saver virus. A “flashing IM” appeared on his AOL screen, and without thinking, he clicked on it. Instantly, hackers stole his password and began downloading salacious photos of Nina Tottenberg onto his hard drive.
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation in a major city. His arm was bleeding badly, but he was able to make it into the mall parking lot. Just at that moment, he saw two guys with black hoods stuffing his wife into a van. Apparently they had told the woman there was a dying baby in the parking lot and asked for her help.
THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! Please forward this urgent message to every one you can, and spread the news that the Make-A-Wish foundation will donate a pair of Nike sneakers to everyone at Disney World, but only if you send it to 1000 people. Don’t be a thoughtless jerk - it only takes a minute of your time to spread this chain letter, and it could be true!
PS. In case you hadn’t already guessed, this letter is a beautiful combination of all the other scam\hoax letters out there floating around on the net. Before you pass things on like this, why not “Google” them and find out for sure if they’re true. 
1. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don’t listen to critics — do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can’t fight or flee — float.
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain — shovel.
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. Don’t miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side.