Archive for November, 2006

Batman

Published by theJokeMaster on November 17, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy.

While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.

I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t a real place. She laughed and said “It is, too. It’s where Batman lives”.

I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. “Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?”

She looked me straight in the eye and said, “That’s because he doesn’t want anyone to know who he really is.”

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Valentine’s Day Dream

Published by theJokeMaster on November 15, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”

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Funny Quotes about Dogs

Published by theJokeMaster on November 13, 2006 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

“Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.”
Gene Hill

“In dog years, I’m dead.”
Unknown

“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
Dave Barry

“Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx

“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.”
Aldous Huxley

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
Ann Landers

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
Robert Benchley

“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
Sue Murphy

“Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!”
Anne Tyler

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Rita Rudner

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
Robert A. Heinlein

“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.”
Dereke Bruce

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
Ben Williams

“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
Edward Abbey

“Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.”
Unknown

“Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.”
Unknown

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”
Christopher Morley

“Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.”
Holbrook Jackson

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
Andrew A. Rooney

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”
Mark Twain

“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.”
John Steinbeck

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Hearing Request

Published by theJokeMaster on November 11, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed.

One man’s request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man’s ear, prayed for him and then asked him, “How’s your hearing now?”

He said, “I don’t know - it’s next Tuesday.”

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Penguins at the Zoo

Published by theJokeMaster on November 9, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down.
After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, “What’s going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!”

The new truck driver responds, “I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we’re going to see a movie.”

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The Speed Limit

Published by theJokeMaster on November 7, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies–two in the front seat and three in the back–wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!”, the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119.”

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City Fisherman

Published by theJokeMaster on November 5, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said.

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Wedding Vows

Published by theJokeMaster on November 3, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

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Shoe Store

Published by theJokeMaster on November 1, 2006 in Jokes. 0 Comments

I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I work when I was interrupted by a very determined woman. Pointing to a sneaker made by Reebok, she asked, “Do you have this in a Nike?”

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