A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Newfie nodded….. “I’ll tell ya though, I t’aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day.”
From hunger, you mean?”
“No from the friggin skippin.”
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn’t have?”
“It wasn’t a boy,” replied Dr. Wilson.
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)…
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ‘napkins’ in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions” (her second mistake)…
Now, fast forward a few months…. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.
Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn’t hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. “But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!”
Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it.
When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity…then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Barbara, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
If I like it, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a while ago, it’s mine.
If I say it is mine, it’s mine.
If I saw it first, it’s mine.
If you’re having fun with it, it’s definitely mine.
If you lay it down, it’s mine.
If it is broken, it’s yours.
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
“I don’t like her.”