Archive for March, 2008

Results Get Rewarded

Published by theJokeMaster on March 29, 2008 in Church Jokes. 0 Comments

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter says to this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

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From Christianity Today’s Church Laughs

An Irish Toast

Published by theJokeMaster on March 27, 2008 in Food Jokes and Irish Jokes. 0 Comments

A guy raises his glass and toasts his blonde girlfriend. “May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you’re dead!”

“What’s that mean?”

“That is an authentic Irish toast.”

“Oh. In that case, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?”

“That’s French toast.”

Math Homework

Published by theJokeMaster on March 25, 2008 in Funny Kid Quotes and School Humour. 0 Comments

Parents are expected to participate in their children’s education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he’s stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. “Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework,” he announced. “You made one, Dad made one and I made one!”

The Wisdom of Children

Published by theJokeMaster on March 23, 2008 in Funny Kid Quotes. 0 Comments

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer.

Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.

Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she’s on the phone.

Old Age

Published by theJokeMaster on March 21, 2008 in Health Jokes and Old Age Humour. 0 Comments

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

[forwarded by Jo]

Open House

Published by theJokeMaster on March 19, 2008 in Business Jokes, Family Funnies and Funny Kid Quotes. 0 Comments

A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.

One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” he said. “Tell me the secret. I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, “We have monsters in our sewer.”

Thin Bathroom Walls

Published by theJokeMaster on March 17, 2008 in Bathroom Humour. 0 Comments

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.

She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

“Give this to your husband,” he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. “He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!”

[forwarded by Doug Hawkins]

Community Newspaper

Published by theJokeMaster on March 15, 2008 in Small Town Jokes. 0 Comments

The town of Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community newspaper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, “We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who’s been caught at it.”

Yummy Fingers

Published by theJokeMaster on March 4, 2008 in Family Funnies. 0 Comments

I was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

[forwarded by JR]