A short humourous break.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The Mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep with Daddy.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House
1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
4. If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.
5. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.
6. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
7. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help.
8. If something looks level, it is level.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
10. Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.
An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
“Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889.”
In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remuss picture is cropped so that all that’s seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:
“Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”
The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. “This is last year’s license,” the warden informed him.
“I know,” said the hunter, “but I shouldn’t need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year.”
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
“Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
“Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”
Those of us in Canada celebrated Thanksgiving this weekend. Here’s to us.
I ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I’m stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin’
I’m probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I’m so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I’m full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there’s still some dessert so I guess it won’t hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
“But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”
I asked my nephew whether he bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. “Yes”, he said, “I bought her a belt and a bag.”
“That was very nice of you”, I replied, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”
He said, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”
[Received from Mikey's Funnies]