Animal and Pet Jokes

The Purina Diet

Published by theJokeMaster on July 15, 2009 in Animal and Pet Jokes, Diet Jokes, Food Jokes and Hospital Humour. 0 Comments

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal-Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.

[forwarded by Amelia Lanning and sent to me by Mikeys Funnies]

Department of Agriculture

Published by theJokeMaster on December 2, 2008 in Animal and Pet Jokes and Farm Jokes. 0 Comments

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: “I need to inspect your farm.”

The old farmer said, “You better not go in that field.”

The Agriculture representative said in a “wise” tone, “I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

“Help,” the rep shouted to the farmer, “What should I do?” he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: “Show him your card.”

Source: Mikey’s Funnies

Kangaroos

Published by theJokeMaster on November 4, 2008 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

Source: Good Clean Fun

Cat-Sitting

Published by theJokeMaster on April 9, 2008 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

“We don’t do that anymore,” the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. “The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough.”

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?” she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

DEAR SANTA

Published by theJokeMaster on December 24, 2007 in Animal and Pet Jokes and Christmas Humour. 0 Comments

By W. Bruce Cameron

My son and Santa Claus have been pen pals every Christmas since he first learned to write. Traditionally, letters to Saint Nick are stuffed in the stockings hanging over the wood stove we call our “fireplace,” and are answered via the same mysterious process that allows the jolly old elf to descend down a six-inch stove pipe every Christmas Eve.

Here is this year’s exchange:

Dear Santa:

For Christmas this year I would like a guinea pig. I have other stuff I want, but I wanted to get the guinea-pig request in early.

Signed, the Best Boy in the World

Dear Best Boy:

You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately.

Dear Santa:

Well the directions never said you can’t take goldfish into the bathtub with you so how was I supposed to know? And the thing with the mice was not my fault, it was the cat’s fault.

I also want a go-cart.

Dear Pet Boy:

Surely you knew that sitting on the fish would not be good for them. And I hardly think the cat can be blamed for its instinctive pursuit of the mice once you left the cage door open. I’m sorry, but you may have no more rodents, and that’s final.

Regarding your new request: You have already demonstrated an unnerving tendency to succumb to the gravitational pull of the earth, hurling yourself headfirst off of your bicycle and your skate board. A go-cart would merely accelerate this process. How about instead of a go-cart you get a wheelbarrow to help haul the leaves you’ll be raking.

Dear so-called Santa:

A guinea pig is not a rodent, it is a member of the pork family.

How about you get me a little trailer for my go-cart and I’ll haul leaves in that.

Plus I also want a drum set.

Oh, and I think you should know, my dad is not using the exercise bike you got him last Christmas. I guess it goes against his instinctive pursuit of getting fat.

Dear Drummer Boy:

No pigs of any kind, including those related to rats. No catapulting yourself headfirst from a go-cart into the emergency room. No banging on drums, or doing anything to create any noise except the sounds of yard work.

And your father is planning on starting his exercise program just as soon as his schedule settles down.

Dear Saint Nick Picker:

Well excuse me for thinking that Christmas was for something besides better homes and gardens.

If I can’t have a go-cart, I want a snowmobile.

Oh, and I think you’d better take another look at my dad: All he has on his schedule is watching TV and drinking beer. If he settles down any more, he’s going to slide off of his chair and onto the floor. The only way to tell that he’s still alive is by his belches.

Dear Incorrect Boy:

Your father works hard and occasionally takes in a game on TV to relax. There is nothing wrong with this.

And a snowmobile? Are you crazy? Not only are they dangerous, do you have any idea how much a snowmobile costs? Please pick something affordable.

Dear Santa Flaws:

Well why do you care what it costs? I thought you had a bunch of dwarfs working for you who built everything in your workshop.

If I can’t have a guinea pig I want a monkey.

Dear Boy:

A monkey? You cannot have a monkey.

Dear Chris Crumple:

I’m the only kid in my school without a pet.

But Son,

I refuse to believe anybody in your school has a monkey. It is illegal.

Dear Santa Laws:

Well then can I have a guinea pig?

Dear Son:

Well… we’ll see.

Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2000. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

Old Goats

Published by theJokeMaster on December 6, 2007 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren’t producing?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”

Notice to Non-Pet Owners

Published by theJokeMaster on May 1, 2007 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a “gazillion” dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Pet Rules

Published by theJokeMaster on April 29, 2007 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Following these rules will allow us all to live together in peace.

Best Regards,

Your loving owner.

Now QUIET DOWN already, I’ll be out of the bathroom soon.

Skunk Advice

Published by theJokeMaster on April 27, 2007 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.

“Leave a trail of bread crumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard,” suggested the show’s host. “That’ll get rid of it.”

An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. “Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!”

PREGNANT TURKEY

Published by theJokeMaster on February 6, 2007 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity…then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Barbara, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

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