The Occasional Joke

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Following these rules will allow us all to live together in peace.

Best Regards,

Your loving owner.

Now QUIET DOWN already, I’ll be out of the bathroom soon.

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity…then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Barbara, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

“Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.”
Gene Hill

“In dog years, I’m dead.”
Unknown

“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
Dave Barry

“Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx

“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.”
Aldous Huxley

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
Ann Landers

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
Robert Benchley

“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
Sue Murphy

“Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!”
Anne Tyler

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Rita Rudner

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
Robert A. Heinlein

“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.”
Dereke Bruce

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
Ben Williams

“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
Edward Abbey

“Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.”
Unknown

“Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.”
Unknown

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”
Christopher Morley

“Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.”
Holbrook Jackson

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
Andrew A. Rooney

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”
Mark Twain

“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.”
John Steinbeck