I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. – Shirley Temple

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”
Anonymous

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
Tom Sims

“Throughout the Christmas season, we recall that God’s love is found in humble places, and God’s peace is offered to all of us. It is the story of a quiet birth in a little town, on the margins of an indifferent empire. Christmas has carried the message that God is with us–and, because He’s with us, we can always live in hope.” – George W. Bush

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” – Jesus

Did you know that we celebrate Christmas in order to commemorate the time when Jesus came down to earth? According to the Bible, Jesus Christ came to bring humanity the gift of eternal life. He gave this gift to us freely and we give gifts to each other to remember and celebrate that event. Read more about whether the Christmas story is true and whether it still matters today.

Merry Christmas Everyone,
from James’ Occasional Jokes Blog

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one – which they did. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.

“Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the five-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.”

My son and Santa Claus have been pen pals every Christmas since he first learned to write. Traditionally, letters to Saint Nick are stuffed in the stockings hanging over the wood stove we call our “fireplace,” and are answered via the same mysterious process that allows the jolly old elf to descend down a six-inch stove pipe every Christmas Eve.

Here is this year’s exchange:

Dear Santa:

For Christmas this year I would like a guinea pig. I have other stuff I want, but I wanted to get the guinea-pig request in early.

Signed, the Best Boy in the World

Dear Best Boy:

You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately.

Dear Santa:

Well the directions never said you can’t take goldfish into the bathtub with you so how was I supposed to know? And the thing with the mice was not my fault, it was the cat’s fault.

I also want a go-cart.

Dear Pet Boy:

Surely you knew that sitting on the fish would not be good for them. And I hardly think the cat can be blamed for its instinctive pursuit of the mice once you left the cage door open. I’m sorry, but you may have no more rodents, and that’s final.

Regarding your new request: You have already demonstrated an unnerving tendency to succumb to the gravitational pull of the earth, hurling yourself headfirst off of your bicycle and your skate board. A go-cart would merely accelerate this process. How about instead of a go-cart you get a wheelbarrow to help haul the leaves you’ll be raking.

Dear so-called Santa:

A guinea pig is not a rodent, it is a member of the pork family.

How about you get me a little trailer for my go-cart and I’ll haul leaves in that.

Plus I also want a drum set.

Oh, and I think you should know, my dad is not using the exercise bike you got him last Christmas. I guess it goes against his instinctive pursuit of getting fat.

Dear Drummer Boy:

No pigs of any kind, including those related to rats. No catapulting yourself headfirst from a go-cart into the emergency room. No banging on drums, or doing anything to create any noise except the sounds of yard work.

And your father is planning on starting his exercise program just as soon as his schedule settles down.

Dear Saint Nick Picker:

Well excuse me for thinking that Christmas was for something besides better homes and gardens.

If I can’t have a go-cart, I want a snowmobile.

Oh, and I think you’d better take another look at my dad: All he has on his schedule is watching TV and drinking beer. If he settles down any more, he’s going to slide off of his chair and onto the floor. The only way to tell that he’s still alive is by his belches.

Dear Incorrect Boy:

Your father works hard and occasionally takes in a game on TV to relax. There is nothing wrong with this.

And a snowmobile? Are you crazy? Not only are they dangerous, do you have any idea how much a snowmobile costs? Please pick something affordable.

Dear Santa Flaws:

Well why do you care what it costs? I thought you had a bunch of dwarfs working for you who built everything in your workshop.

If I can’t have a guinea pig I want a monkey.

Dear Boy:

A monkey? You cannot have a monkey.

Dear Chris Crumple:

I’m the only kid in my school without a pet.

But Son,

I refuse to believe anybody in your school has a monkey. It is illegal.

Dear Santa Laws:

Well then can I have a guinea pig?

Dear Son:

Well… we’ll see.

Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2000. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.