Hospital Humour

Hearing Problems

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

[forwarded by Jo]

Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean

“This should be taken care of right away.”
- I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Well, what do we have here…?”
- He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
- I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
- I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
- or-
- I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
- The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
- He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
- I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
- I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
- I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
- I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
- Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
- I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“There is a lot of that going around.”
- That’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
- I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I’m off next week.

Timberrr!!!!!

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

“What happened to this patient?” he asked in astonishment.

“He fell out of a tree,” I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

“I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob’s Expert Tree Service.”

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘expert.’”

Bob’s Tree Service

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

“What happened to this patient?” he asked in astonishment.

“He fell out of a tree,” I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

“I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob’s Expert Tree Service.”

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘expert.’”

Hospital Information

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn’t have?”

“It wasn’t a boy,” replied Dr. Wilson.