Hospital Humour

The Purina Diet

Published by theJokeMaster on July 15, 2009 in Animal and Pet Jokes, Diet Jokes, Food Jokes and Hospital Humour. 0 Comments

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal-Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.

[forwarded by Amelia Lanning and sent to me by Mikeys Funnies]

Hearing Problems

Published by theJokeMaster on April 7, 2008 in Health Jokes and Hospital Humour. 0 Comments

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

[forwarded by Jo]

Doctors – What They Say / What They Mean

Published by theJokeMaster on February 4, 2008 in Hospital Humour. 0 Comments

“This should be taken care of right away.”
- I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Well, what do we have here…?”
- He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
- I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
- I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
- or-
- I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
- The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
- He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
- I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
- I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
- I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
- I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
- Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
- I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“There is a lot of that going around.”
- That’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
- I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I’m off next week.

Timberrr!!!!!

Published by theJokeMaster on January 12, 2008 in Health Jokes, Hospital Humour and Workplace Comedy. 0 Comments

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

“What happened to this patient?” he asked in astonishment.

“He fell out of a tree,” I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

“I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob’s Expert Tree Service.”

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘expert.’”

Bob’s Tree Service

Published by theJokeMaster on January 3, 2008 in Hospital Humour. 0 Comments

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

“What happened to this patient?” he asked in astonishment.

“He fell out of a tree,” I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

“I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob’s Expert Tree Service.”

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘expert.’”

Hospital Information

Published by theJokeMaster on February 17, 2007 in Hospital Humour. 0 Comments

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn’t have?”

“It wasn’t a boy,” replied Dr. Wilson.