The Occasional Joke

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

“Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889.”

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remuss picture is cropped so that all that’s seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

“Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

It’s upgrade time for this particularly sensitive user, and the technician assigned to work with her knows the drill. “This user was known to start crying when faced with changes in her work environment,” says the tech. “We were upgrading the software she used and giving everyone in her department bigger monitors, and I wanted to take extra care that she understood the changes and was dealing with them OK.”

So when she calls the technician because she’s having a problem, he’s ready to listen patiently. But he’s not prepared for what he hears. “It’s going pretty well, I guess,” user tells him. “But it’s kind of hard to read the type in this new program.”

Tech examines the smallest type on the new screens. It all looks razor-sharp to him, and easier to read than in the old software on the old monitors. “Which part of the screen are you having trouble with?” he asks.

To his surprise, she launches the Windows Notepad and starts typing. The font is set to a large size, but she says, “This stuff here looks really blurry.”

“Hmm,” says the tech. “It seems like you might be due for a new prescription for your glasses. When’s the last time you were checked?”

“I just got new glasses a few days ago,” she says.

“Do the notes posted next to your computer also looked blurry?” he asks.

After a moment of looking at them, she replies, “Yeah, I guess so. I didn’t realize that. Maybe you’re right.”

When the tech tells the story to his boss, the boss’s response is an astonished “She’s been walking into walls for a week and she waits until today to blame it on our new software?”

From: Good Clean Fun

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!” the first one said.

“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented. “But I broke him of that habit real quick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid his teeth!”

Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,”What’s the trouble?”

“I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!”

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

“Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!”

“What is it?” I asked.

“My husband’s new hearing aid.”

A customer called the airline’s reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, “Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?”

The customer carefully replied, “V-I-S-A.”