A short humourous break.
A woman joined a health spa and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership.
When asked why, she replied, “Your floors are so low that I can’t touch my toes!”
YOU MIGHT BE DUTCH IF…
~ You reused plastic margarine containers long before anyone had heard of the environmental movement.
~ You have a two volume address book, Volume I: A-U & Volume II: V-Z.
~ You have never skipped church to watch the Super Bowl.
~ Your range of restaurants is restricted by the contents of a “Buy one meal, get one free” coupon book that you purchased to support missionaries in Sierra Leone.
~ Your mother’s hairdo is the same at your wedding as it was at hers.
~ Your closet is divided into work clothes and Sunday clothes.
~ Your church attendance record is not disrupted by childbirth.
~ Your Sunday routine resembles: church, coffee, roast beef, jello salad, snooze, and church.
~ You have a living room but never sit in it.
~ All your cookies taste like almonds.
~ You make the bed in your hotel room.
~ You can sing “eere zij God” even though you can’t speak Dutch.
~ You think that being progressive means discarding the church hymnbook in favor of Keith Green songs on the overhead.
~ You are still trying to justify owning a dishwasher.
~ You have attended worship services at a campground amphitheater.
~ You know what an afghan is.
~ You have lace on your windows but not on your underwear.
~ Your two permanent Saturday jobs are to wash the car and make sure you have enough single bills for the offerings.
~ All of your recipes are adapted to fit a 9 x 13 pan.
~ The usher never needs to ask you where you want to sit in church.
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather’s violin.
“Old fiddles aren’t worth much, I’m afraid,” he explained.
“What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?” I asked.
“If you’re buying it from me, it’s a violin. If I’m buying it from
you, it’s a fiddle.”
Well, after many days (er weeks) of being a recluse from the online world, I will now be starting to schedule occasionally regular jokes. (I typically aim for one every couple days.) I trust you all had a great Christmas and New Year’s.
— Today’s Joke —
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every e-mail you get, please repeat the following …
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don’t I am not their friend or that I’m a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t a real place. She laughed and said “It is, too. It’s where Batman lives”.
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. “Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?”
She looked me straight in the eye and said, “That’s because he doesn’t want anyone to know who he really is.”
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight.” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”
During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed.
One man’s request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man’s ear, prayed for him and then asked him, “How’s your hearing now?”
He said, “I don’t know – it’s next Tuesday.”
There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down.
After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.
The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, “What’s going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!”
The new truck driver responds, “I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we’re going to see a movie.”
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies–two in the front seat and three in the back–wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!”, the old woman says a bit proudly.
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119.”
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”
“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”
“Wow! Does that really work?”
“You bet it does.”
“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”
“Well, okay.”
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”
“You’re the sixth,” he said.