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Department of Agriculture

Published by theJokeMaster on December 2, 2008 in Animal and Pet Jokes and Farm Jokes. 0 Comments

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: “I need to inspect your farm.”

The old farmer said, “You better not go in that field.”

The Agriculture representative said in a “wise” tone, “I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

“Help,” the rep shouted to the farmer, “What should I do?” he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: “Show him your card.”

Source: Mikey’s Funnies

Zippers

Published by theJokeMaster on November 8, 2008 in Funny Kid Quotes. 0 Comments

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” she said, “is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to be a secret?”

Source: Good Clean Fun

Maine Winters

Published by theJokeMaster on November 6, 2008 in Weather Jokes. 0 Comments

Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, “That’s good. I couldn’t take another one of these Maine winters.”

Source: Good Clean Fun

Kangaroos

Published by theJokeMaster on November 4, 2008 in Animal and Pet Jokes. 0 Comments

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

Source: Good Clean Fun

The Texan Cowboy

Published by theJokeMaster on November 2, 2008 in Wild West Jokes. 0 Comments

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you go…what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Thunderstorms

Published by theJokeMaster on October 30, 2008 in Funny Kid Quotes. 0 Comments

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The Mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep with Daddy.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

Handy Around The House

Published by theJokeMaster on October 26, 2008 in Tool Tips. 0 Comments

Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

4. If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.

5. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.

6. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

7. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help.

8. If something looks level, it is level.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

10. Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

Genealogical Tampering

Published by theJokeMaster on October 23, 2008 in Jokes. 0 Comments

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

“Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889.”

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remuss picture is cropped so that all that’s seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

“Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

The Game Warden

Published by theJokeMaster on October 18, 2008 in Hunting Jokes. 0 Comments

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. “This is last year’s license,” the warden informed him.

“I know,” said the hunter, “but I shouldn’t need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year.”

Computer Help

Published by theJokeMaster on October 15, 2008 in Computer Humour. 0 Comments

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

“Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”

“Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”

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